Dude, I just went to take a piss and looked at my ballsack... Underneath was labled "L" and "R"
im using old socks as coasters. im going to make a great housewife.
Thank you for the breast cancer awareness themed circle of death. Had it been any other time I would not have played topless.
Found my smoke alarm in a ziploc in my toilet...again
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
We are possibly on our way, unless we see the limo full of strippers.
She was drunk breaking up with me. All of my emails to her were coming back with UNSUBSCRIBE as the subject.
you called me in the middle of the night, wandering the streets, in search of "the ultimate burrito"
i just like, need to vent to someone
Can we skip the part where I pretend to care and fast forward to the appreciative blowjob from you?
I told him I was engaged, had 911 on speed dial and made him wear his seatbelt, then dropped his drunk ass off at his motel...probably not the night he was expecting.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
after I lost so many games of beer pong they made me be a troll, I sat under the table and told riddles while retrieving balls.
I got carried out by security last night. AND the taxi had to drive up onto the sidewalk to get me i was that drunk.
My philosophy is thug life and that means never having to say your sorry for stealing drinks off tables
I'd give anything to be driving a pirate ship wearing nothing but a coconut bra and a grass skirt eating a pizza and watching dolphins jump in the waves. Dreams ya gotta have dreams
Totally just got spotted hitting the bowl by someone else hitting a bowl. We gave each other a head nod
I think I am just gonna marry that lesbian. She is more of a respectful gentleman than any of the guys I've slept with.
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