so this carnie looked at me and said "the ride in my pants is funner." i wet myself.
he used a semicolon in his bootycall text, of course he's not gonna go down on me.
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
he puked in his toast at dennys. after snoopdogg high fived him. couldn't be prouder to be his bro in law.
I just smoked my last bit of kief with a grill lighter. This is what crackheads must feel like.
Pretty sure I just had sex with the black kid who grew up in a car from "angels in the outfield"
How come I never meet celebrities?
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call
thank god we only have to drink eggnog and rum once a year. It taste like shit.
his name is devion and he has a voice like velvet and handcuffs
I JUST DEFLATED MY BOOB.
I DON'T KNOW WHETHER TO LAUGH OR CALL AN AMBULANCE.
Like, he's a nice guy. But he's better at fingering than he is at speaking.
our relationship was basically a one night stand, with a three week long, morning after
I was just lying down, dumping goldfish into my mouth and they like all came out I thought I was going to choke and die and people would be like damn that's so sad, she died laying in bed stuffing her face and reading kanye wests twitter, damn.
I have shit my pants twice this week. #adulthood
It's not my fault, Tequila turned all my alarms off.
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