u ever jackoff with ur legs spread and pretend ur fuckin urself as a girl and get mad u'll never know what that feels like. Or to fly like a bird?
Did u absorb a fraternal twin in the womb?
well isn't that the pot calling the kettle a make out whore
Bring more bourbon. Day drunk just hit another level.
all he has to do is look at me on new years and hes getting laid. thats how hot he is
Aaaaand I just watched him face plant in front of the taxi. This is why we don't invite him to margarita night.
do you have any idea how hard it is to keep a boner while another dude is writing on your dick in sharpie?
he spent an hour trying to convince us that Ted Nugent is Kid Rock from the future. by the end of it i was very close to believing him.
Its the least I can do really, I mean, I did sleep with her husband...
I give you full permission to seriously injure me the next time I think it's a good idea to face a bottle of vodka
I was THIS CLOSE. But drunk me wanted to play those washboard abs with a spoon, like an actual washboard. Apparently that hurts, so I just squished it out at home alone.
I'm drunk, I'm covered in pizza, and I'm watching Jurassic Park. I feel like you'll get this. xx
Yeah, reverse cow girl. She was on top and I was playing Flappy Bird behind her back. Easiest way to have angry sex.
I may have been mad at the Supreme Court/patriarchy and tried to hate fuck myself.
I could fuck to npr.
I just my had my first cup of coffee in a week. I think I might orgasm.
Randomize
