Drinking non-alcoholic beer is like going down on your cousin.
Sure it tastes the same, but it ain't right.
those girls across the street saw me hanging my towel off of my penis...they're coming over later
sometimes i just want to live alone. my roommate keeps looking at me weird like hes never seen a girl eat plain salt before
just saw a DUI checkpoint outside of a taco bell...i feel like thats cheating...
Well It's time to grow up anyways, right? Now that you're graduated and have a job you can't drink uncontrollably
No. Now that I'm graduated I can drink uncontrollably at nicer bars
No he didn't understand the sequence...then I started texting him these texts with vagina strategically spelt correctly in jumbles of letters.
he turned down sex AND sandwiches. who the hell does that?!
Screw disneyland. This military base is the happiest place on earth. Even unnatractive dudes are completely fuckable in those uniforms, im never leaving
Someone had written "Boxmonsterette" on the bathroom wall and I just knew you'd been here.
someone cut his neck open pretty bad with a broken beer bottle. We were so close to his house that we carried him home, but when we got there he casually laid on his bed and said he was just gonna sleep it off. WHO DOES THAT
Only you could make a stripper uncomfortable by eye fucking her too much.
How frowned upon is it to take your vibrator into the tanning bed...because Operation: dripping wet is in full swing and I have a busy schedule
How will you ever teach your dogs to pee outside when the biggest puddle on your bedroom carpet is from you?
I have only made 3 good decisions in my life and getting really stoned reenacting the Lion King with my cat in a lion mane hat is 2 of them.
Oh man I missed being single! Two different guys just sent me dick pics during my kid’s little league game.
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