I created a new tequila drink. it is a mix of excitement and fear instilled in innocent people.
does it bother you that i swallowed like millions of your unborn children
actually, i try not to think about it
and i pooped them out
about to play the homeward bound drinking game. alone. what are you doing tonight?
I saw he had me in his phone as "the fat twin"
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The amount of alcohol I'm going to consume on my birthday is directly proportional to the amount of shit I've had to put up with this past year. Which is a lot.
I chugged a beer while I was riding him and he told me it was the sexiest thing he has ever seen. this guy knows class when he sees it.
When i left he was drinking an entire pot of coffee out of the pot with a straw. It's safe to say he's using a personal day
How many other adults do you think have slept naked under the Winnie the Pooh blanket sober?
Thank you contacting dial-a-boner. Currently, our boner is on a run to service another client. You can either wait 2 hours for service, or share concurrent service with the current client.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I have bite marks all over my ass. Is that an acceptable excuse for missing class?
Did you take the bag w/your drugs & cookie cutter?
I just remembered I made you punch yourself in the face last night and I would like to formally apologize for that even though it was hilarious.
She text me that night and asked how the dick was and I quote my drunk self "average at best"
No actually you're a pro. You puked on the cab ride, and managed to completely contain it in your purse. the cabbie was even impressed.
I DIDN'T WATCH THE PILLSBURY DOUGH BOY PORN!!!!
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