There are traffic cones in the living room. One of them is yours.
i'll give you all the meat in my fridge in exchange for 2 condoms.
So my graduate coordinator is possible gay man. I may have just found the easiest way to a degree ever.
Good plan b, put your number on all your forms. Hello gamefull employment.
Take that integrity
I woke up covered in my own vomit with a pocket full of napkins. I guess I knew I would need them, but was not coherent enough to use them before passing out.
I'm inventing beer flavored vodka. This raspberry shit makes me feel like a pussy.
I also would have accepted most things ending in "job", erotic favors, and food.
Fuck I am starving. I don't think I've eaten in the past two days.
You didnt need to. Gin is like eggs, its a perfectly nutrionally balanced meal.
Just woke up, shitty hungover, and realized that every article of clothing I slept in was backwards, bra included. Fuck you, gin. Fuck you.
God fucking bless the man who invented the vibrator. Bless him and all his descendants. I think I saw the face of God tonight
Yeeeaahhh, I'm in no rush to dismiss a level 6 booty-call that pays my bar tabs and understands my Harry Potter obsession.
Have you ever looked death in the face and have the urge to shit yourself. I'm in that situation right now.
Of course i made out w him. He was painted green. You know of my secret longing for the Hulk.
Drunk sperm are not productive sperm.
I got a message the other day that just said “great tits”
A gentleman AND a scholar
So I come home this morning to get ready for a job interview and there is garlic seasoning all over the hardwood and a knife in the wall. What. the. fuck.
Randomize
