so I think I'm done having sex with her, she's way too crazy
what about the blowjobs for adderall?
no those are still okay
The neighbors are smoking hash and doing Julia Child impressions...again.
how do you say "fuck me and leave bruises" in italian?
i threw up in a box in my own lap driving today.
Its raining shots and i keep catching them in my mouth like you with dicks shits crazy
Momentum is force x velocity. So therefore velocity is 0 - hammered, and force is ur legs locked up and ur face hits the ground.
I felt paralized they just wouldnt move. We need segways when were drunk cuz if we start to fall forward they well take off and save the fall.
I just spent 3 hours in the back of an unmarked police cruiser. Best. Date. Ever.
Your babysitter texted, wants me to pay with weed. I don't know where to get any & don't want to. Will she take cigarettes instead? Or um, cash? Like a person?
no we just smoked too much weed and listened to the tarzan soundtrack. phil collins is amazing
If he sends me a dick pic so help me god.
Getting high with your mom, but thinking of you!
Also epiphany: I gotta quit fucking with dudes that have never seen Harry Potter. They all turn out to be shitheads who probably eat honeydew.
My breath smells like gin and sadness
She was gone when I unblacked out, but she had nailed her panties to the wall and wrote “Colleen’s Dick”with a sharpie on the wall. No idea where she got a hammer and nail
He was so drunk last night. He woke up out of a dead sleep at 330am, walked over to the dresser, opened his middle drawer and proceeded to pee. When I woke up and asked him Wtf he was doing, he told me it was fake pee and blamed it on the cat...we don't have a cat
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