Babe! I just farted and I swear to jesus lord christ that it sounded like ur name! Ok, more like Meeatt but still... awesome.
On a scale of one to trashy, how is this: Got drunk, gave a guy a hand job. In the middle of the bar
I think you broke the trashy scale
We just stood on the porch wondering how you managed to puke up a whole piece of bologna
The answer to your question is yes. I am wearing a star of david to the bar in order attract a jewish man.
This is worse that I thought. He's playing violin for me.
Youre attempt to ruin my night by putting Date Rape by Sublime on my sex playlist failed. She was into it.
Random Survey Question: If things start getting serious with this cop, do I have to stop doing coke?
Dude... She just sent me a story of how she wants to fuck me on a boat and call me her captain.. Well ahoy mateys, lets set sail
I'm about to be a GTA V widow, he could at least throw me a bone. Literally.
I'd say "I think I gave my TA chlamydia" is an accurate way to sum up my life.
I knew my sister shouldn't have gone to the bacherlotte party. Two of the other brides maids have black eyes and my fiancé called me and asked if this is the crazy she's marrying
I just made the most “single life” Amazon order ever: protein bars and condoms.
yeah the highlight of my day was the 911 operator telling me they had frantically been trying to figure out where i was
I'm kind of pissed I'm not hungover, that means I could have totally drank more last night.
Did you get good sleep?
I dreamt that I was a lipstick lesbian in the 1950s, working at Walgreens and solving mysteries.
So yes.
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