Was it a mistake telling him I couldn't get the abortion until I was 2 months along on the first date?
just saw bouncers outside a coffee shop. beginning to question humanity.
Did you just see the Batmobile???
I'm on the strip, it's like a mini new years eve. Some girl just got taken away on a stretcher with her meter margarita in her hand claiming it's trophy for being awesome. Damn tourists are lightweights.
There's an Captain Planet marathon because of Earth Day. I can't NOT turn this into a drinking game.
shape ups are the best shoes to wear when youre stoned. its like walking on little trampolines every step.
I don't talk to her anymore. I lit her birthday presents on fire. Who the fuck puts candles that close to tissue paper?
The manager of the bar we were at the night before came to my house today giving me coupons. Apperently you and i won karaoke night which is a prize of 300 beer dollars. No idea what beer dollars means nor do i have any memory of doing karaoke but lets go back tonight.
in the middle of giving him head in the backseat of my car he taps me on the shoulder, opens the door, throws up three times and then proceeds to tell me how amazing i am.
I just saw a dude sitting IN a bush, weeping and playing a harmonica. I hope your day is going better than his.
is it cool if i crash at ur house this weekend again bro
yea dude but i wld bring a sleeping bag or something just in case. or u may just have to shack up with a woman or 2 cuz we hav 10 girls visiting/staying over at my house.
how did u manage to make sleeping with a bunch of girls sound like an inconvenience?
drunk grocery shopping was not as bad of an idea as i thought, this salmon cat food tastes a lot like tuna
Happy cinco de mayo!! Puke filled sombrero in the lawn needs to be picked up and whos never punched my fence boards in half needs to replace those by the way the owner of those panties (see attached photo) anytime you wanna cum over;-) hiii!
so i went over to her house and we played crash bandicoot, ate calzones, and had sex all day. im in love.
Dude I'm pretty sure everyone in my office knows I fucked our boss...can I ask for anything better?
Randomize
