"Party in the USA" was played at church youth group last night. It was like everything I enjoy hating was aligning against me.
Yeah not really sure what I said but I remember "douchebag" and "fuck your own face"
To a 70 year old lady?!
Dude, didn't you know? Its balls out wednesday.
Please don't drown this weekend. It would be a shame to lose a dick like yours.
I tried to show my boob for free volcano tacos at taco bell last night. Not boobs. Just boob. The manager wasn't allowing it.
She is ok w me having sex for money. Just gotta find rich grandmas.
Can I just say I love that you have a kegorator on your wedding registry?
there is vomit in the pocket of my dress coat. i remember thinking "this is a weird place to puke" at some point in the evening, but i dont understand how i did this.
I don't know when it is this year, but if I ever text you an illegible text that also happens to contain sharks, Shark Week started.
Dude, she doesn't even live here... She just can't eat all our food and masturbate on my dog's couch...
well at least now you can say you got an STD from the frontman of a band no one's heard of
fuck you.
Man, that hitchhiker cursed me.
I should get an "I gave blood today" type of sticker, but instead it would say "I went balls deep today"
At one point did I say I have a doctorate in fuck u?
They are in the bedroom next door. We might have a threesome idk. Jesus take the wheel.
GO. DO.
I am Jesus and I am taking the wheel.
Randomize
