I just bought a large Pizza and Xanex in the same store...my night is complete
I'd like to apologize to your liver. It sees how much beer i drink and gets jealous of how awesome my liver is.
There's been so much talk around your vagina it's like a local celebrity
Things are going great. I have tons of beer, margaritas, and theres an inflatable swan in the mix.
He doesn't make grammatical errors. Even while getting head.
It would be celebrated in history as "the orgasm heard round the world"
I think I just agreed to be an escort for an Asian guy who's gonna be in the city next weekend before he moves back to Shanghai...
He told me he wanted to show me something beautiful, then just started peeing off the bridge into oncoming traffic
i was thinking shit as she was saying it. it was a sarcasm time loop
He threw a twenty at the stripper and asked for change
well did he get it
....yes
I turned on Elf, made myself a mojito, and am eating one of a sleeve of Ritz. You tell me if I wanna go out tonight.
How did you get so drunk?
Alcohol.
That was the first time ive ever slept with a girl with a q in her name
how do you say “i know we haven’t hung out in a month, but i gave myself an amazing orgasm to your picture the other day” without coming on too strong
I don't know what that means but it's making me want to fuck you.
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