I failed the drunk obstacle course of trying to find my bed... consolation prize... a sore ankle and "disappointed' parents.
I feel like your standards for women is like rent-a-centers standards for credit.
Its weird to pet your cat with a boner
What the fuck?
Its the little things i like about bein home like having actual toilet paper instead of subway napkins
its not like she's the last girl on the planet with symmetrical breasts and great skin
Thank God I did Vegas bombs with those cops at their Christmas party. We should so be in jail.
He said my labia gave my vagina a "cute personality"
ugh i can't even wear this perfume anymore. it just brings back blurry memories of blowjobs and regret.
I have officially made out with every girl you've made out with, even the random you met on the Mexico flight
When I say drunk I mean that in the process of filming a fratstar cooking show they threw a keg into the street where the police came to clean it up. now all they can say is "THE KEG GOT ARRESTED."
I'm determined to sit on that face.
Never remove your contact lenses after eating an entire bag of spicy doritos.
I've had more orgasms than showers this week.
I need to start journaling my drunk thoughts. Drunk me is fucking brilliant & sober me is missing out.
A girl I had a drunken hook up with is on interventon right now
Randomize
