Waitress cut us off at Chili's bar. New low
I threw up into my coffee this morning.
Just ate cheeseit crumbs off the floor. i feel like Kirstie Alley.
don't blame me for your drunken lack of judgement
big words... still drunk. dont care. your fault.
well as my mentor always said, "Don't antagonize the man whose penis gives you multiple orgasms."
Drunk tip #47: Its better to overestimate how many plastic bottles itll take to urinate in, rather then underestimate.
Fuckbuddy couldn't meet, so she's trying to find a substitute to come fuck me. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
Just signed my boyfriend up on a dating website so I could officially have a reason to leave him for my hot neighbor.
We're in ER. He's high on morphine and I'm drunk. Gonna score some bed pans for jello shots.
Hey have you ever thought about fishing cause I'd like to go fishing but don't know anyone that fishes and I'm gonna cry because. FISHING
It's either gonna be a cock in my mouth or a burger. You decide which.
I vaguely remember hanging my bra off the ceiling fan and chugging a beer during sex
College has turned you into quite the multi tasker huh?
It's a little weird that I'm blowing my wingman.
Pretty sure my first birthday present will be a pic of an 18-year-old's cock. And I am OK with that
He fingered me to the beat of the Fresh Prince theme song... it was pretty fantastic.
Randomize
