I want to bang chis in dee ass burt he be hating on me times two. Me be tryin ti love onu
Bendover
So how was awkward coffee with forgets-your-name?
I'M GETTING MARRIED!
YOU'RE STILL MARRIED!
the bouncer watched the girl drop her ID, saw me pick it up and say OMG SHE LOOKS LIKE ME, and then let me use it to get into the bar
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
I hear youre working today. To keep you entertained, ive compiled a list of condiments that my dick has NOT been slathered in since last Friday: Relish, and raspberry jam. That's right.
I think I should just accept my destiny that I'm going to be someone's second wife
My tits sealed my fate
It is becoming increasingly more likely that my entire halloween costume will be entirely composed of borrowed clothing from the two girls I'm hooking up
Nothing is creepier than a guy telling you "I was just thinking about you" in a men's bathroom when taking a shit
I mean like if I stood up my head might pull me down like an anchor
There's Dick Pix, Zorro, and The Little Engine that Could. I nickname my fuck buddies for the exact same reason why you don't name animals which you will one day have for dinner.
I specifically remember rubbing my eyes thinking I could definitely go blind and I really like came to terms with it I was like ok my other senses will develop this is fine
Dude, I got drunk and sexted his little sister by accident
Morning! Got your 3am VM to remind you to get up for spin class and also confirm you were not murdered by the sketchy guy at brunch yesterday. So this is your literal and metaphorical wake up call.
I'm still very high. To be blunt. No pun intended.
Randomize
