we need to get ahold of those "sexting" teens on tyra. HAWT!
wasnt one 13?
After he told me that it's up to him to carry on his family name, I almost felt bad for not letting him cum inside me.
Just want you to know I am def drunk enough to burn down your house. Don't worry I checked the stove like 6 times. I love grilled cheese
After the second day the hotel realized I wasn't responsible enough to have a comforter, so they took it for the rest of the trip.
all I know is I'm really rwfly really really stoned and a bunch of Korean people are yelling at me
I'm at the perfect height to walk up to the corner of my mom's stove and rest my balls on it. Just thought you'd like to know they're warm.
being pregnant is like rehab
He just got dropped off drinking a flask, sitting on the handlebars of a chinese delivery man's bike
Tonight's gonna be epic. Did he bring my noodles?
I will kill you in such a brutal way if you ever de-pants me again on the dance floor it will make the stock market ticker
The psychic I saw today told me NOT to text the guy I haven't heard from yet since our first date this weekend b/c it wouldn't go anywhere...Miller light said otherwise. Miller light > Cleo
In local news, attempts to hide phone from extremely drunk self prove unsuccessful for Dallas woman.
As planned I took it to the limit. Then we met a new limit. Now they are limit friends.
I've reached the last of the wine in my cup so now I have to sit up in my bed to get it through the crazy straw
You kicked my dad IN THE NUTS right when he walked in.
Sorry, man. Thought he was a cop.
It does not feel like it was just this morning that I had a penis in multiple cavities of my body
Randomize
