i realized my work ethic and productivity really improves if i masturbate on my lunch break.
I just had an epiphany. There is NOTHING TO STOP ME from making cake mix and eating it all instead of making a cake. It feels like my entire life has peaked at this moment.
last nights episode of shot friends brought to you by polish vodka and flamingo baseball. pickles cure hangovers.
Guess who just screamed "Everything happens for a reason!!" in the abortion clinic. This girl.
I remember all the people and all the acts I just have to match the person with the act
U were yelling that I wasn't generous or supportive. Then you kneeled and said this weird prayer about the windows and doors of your life.
So I was putting on a condom and looked to my right to not make eye contact, she said did you just look at the American flag while putting that on. I said this one's for Team USA.
Who breaks their ankle the day before a beach wedding? This guy. Maybe this is karma for fucking someone's wife? Idk.
I did cocaine off my boobs last night. Then I wrote two essays and went on a run. Go me
I'm scared because his knowledge of star trek is turning me on
According to the arrest report, I shouted "no, YOU put some pants on" at the cop. Downhill from there.
Did u guys seriously make a betting pool on when im going to get pregnant???
Yep, wanna bid?
Its just akward. Everytime he tells me he loves me, I have to respond with, I love having sex with you. and he just stares at me in amazement
I was dressed as Waldo and the cops kept saying looks like we fuckin found you
If it were up to me his wife would never get his penis again, but I guess they have some sort of arrangement
Yes, an arrangement called marriage
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