You know, if there were no such thing as marriage, i don't think porn would exist.
I definitely ripped a mole off of her back in the process
just hang any plant up and call it mistletoe.
I just told a dude I hooked up with last night he was the pick of the litter.
so high and i think i just ordered a magic bullet.
did you call within the first 18 minutes? can i have the free one?
he came on my stomach, took his sock off, wiped it up, put his sock back on along with his shoes and left.
bottle of wine in one hand cigar in the other. 5 am. topless on our fire escape. and she cleaned our bathroom... i like his new girlfriend.
Dude i'm seriously thinking about his nipples.
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
I'm drinking wine from the cap of my laundry detergent container, wearing my bed sheet as a cape. How do you think I'm taking it?
The party got hot, we all started raging, took off some clothes, someone threw me in the shower and we all kept raging. Nude Rager, I was there at the point of conception.
I think you handled your pregnancy scares better than that cricket in your bathroom
I lost my voice. So I'm going to pretend I'm Ariel with legs today.
We fucked to Bonnie Tyler in my car. He's the one.
OF COURSE I FUCKED HIM! Did you not read the part about him having red and green Christmas condoms?
Randomize
