I hope you're ready because I look like an elf on crack had a baby in the medieval era and that baby grew up to be a whore
Omg Kevin Jonas is engaged!!!!!!
Omg really? To who. Gay marriage is only legal in like 3 states.
I sharted during my first quiz and I couldn't leave, I went ahead and took the rest of the day off.
my mom just informed me that im way nicer when im high and offered to supply my weed until our house guests leave.
does that include her cleaning your bowl?
I'm really sorry we tried to have sex on top of you last night.
Remember the girl passed out in front of my fireplace?
She sent me a map and directions for a booty call. In a park. Give me reason not to marry her.
I seriously don't understand how you keep getting laid.
Because I'm like the spider of false hope. I spin elaborate tales and snare them in my web of utter disappointment. They soon realize their mistake, but by then it's too late.
Due to certain anatomical proportions it was less like fucking and more like childbirth.
What happened to my face?
You kneed yourself in the eye during the Harlem Shake.
It was impressive.
we had a "who's sex playlist is better?" fight.....
Why is "Oprah of drinks" written on my arms?
You said to write it on you, after you kept saying, "You get a drink, you get a drink, everyone gets a drink."
the insurance claim form from last night says foreign object removal from genitourinary tract so as far as the insurance company knows, it could have been a gerbil
Just so you know, it is really hard to rehydrate when everything is spiked with everclear.
hes sooooo boring!!! I feel like I’m in a relationship with myself now. I have an 8 inch dildo under my bed, THATS how much I’m in a relationship with myself.
Randomize
