you shoved the noah's ark of animal crakers in your mouth saturday.
Another one? Damn, how many David's is that?
six.
Oh, I thought it was higher.
No, that would be the Matt's
just left a line of flour and citric acid on the dresser for my roommate to find. teach that bastard to steal my coke!
Balls are wasted. Waste are ballsted. Ballsd wasted
I cant yet im literally covered in lube but I will later
just an fyi, false alarm on the whole ghonnorea thing. you're safe.
The bouncer was being really rude for no reason. Steph PICKED him up and physically MOVED him from our path on the way out.
Well thats the pro of going out drinking with a pro body builder. Even if its a girl.
Dude are you alive? We drank shit that made a german bartender blow chunks.
So mom called me from the hospital laughing her ass off. Apparently my sister is allergic to cocaine...
There should be an app that tazers me in my pocket when I'm spending too much money at the bar. Take a hint, Android Network. You slut.
And then I told him since the day he walked away to get over what I went through he lost the boyfriend right to ask why my bed is broken.
I take full pride in being the one that broke ur bed. Want to go for the sofa?
What should I say back?
Well, how do you want the conversation to go?
Straight into my pants.
Some lady found my secret pooping bathroom at work. Do I fight her Highlander style? I made or may not be fashioning a crude sword from seat covers and toilet paper rolls.
Do it. DO IT. There can be only one.
I've been eating like all day, let me suffer my one 'Dear lord, I'm the size of a small whale. One that doesn't even need to find being killed by illegal whaling because I'm not even big enough to provide an decent blubber, but still big enough to be considered for a brief moment.' moment in peace.
Wait, cocaine is okay but tanning isn't?
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