This unplanned pregnancy thing is really taking all the fun out of football season.
Hi, my name's audrey!
Max?
Sorry, this girl is phone-stealing drunk.
My favorite part was walking in the bathroom, you fixing yourself in the mirror, calling your reflection a fag, then throwing a haymaker into the paper towel dispenser before going back out to the bar.
For future reference, the words 'big' and 'problem' should be used sparingly with a person whom you have recently had copious amounts of unprotected sex
I talked a bachelorette party out of a 4 person bucket of long islands, and drank it by myself. Please call me a taxi. The fat brides maid just grabbed my cock
Once you mention butt plugs, conversations always take a turn for the worst.
The usual, im laying out. Ipod on shuffle, Large spray bottle to cool myself of and a smaller one filled with chilled vodka. I can spray the vodka right in my mouth without even opening my eyes. THIS IS LIVING....
It's not really the holidays until I raid the medicine cabinet. Happy hydrocodone to me
And a merry methadone to all
I told him his only options were from behind or me on top. I was not about to mess up my $80 blow out before graduation.
According to my snapchat story, I tore a fake wig off a security guard and ran away with it.
The parents I babysit for are at this orgy. I need to leave.
You know it was a good night when visa fraud prevention services are calling
WELL I DIDNT KNOW IT WAS POSSIBLE TO COME SO HARD YOU HAVE AN ASTHMA ATTACK BUT HERE I AM
As long as there is beach, drink, dick, in that order. I’m in.
Can you confirm that you aren't dead?
Randomize
