hey what are you doing
hooking up with some marlborough girl. shes gorgeous!
i texted you because i like you, and i told my freinds you were my fiance. but sine we're not dating you're not cheating and i'm pathetic
We almost didn't get a second pitcher, but now we're getting a sixth.
I woke up to ritz crackers on the lawn, a keystone behind the hedge and puke on the rental car... i think that we have become that house...
Breaking hearts and overdosing on semen. That's my life.
It's just a condom. Most people would commend me for saying I was going to start using them, and you're acting like I'm going to try heroin.
I'm not sure if it was sex or spear fishing. He goes in for it like he's crash landing a rocket
you should be careful. everyone knows your chances of pregnancy increase by 100 percent when youre the daughter of a religious figure
You're like my zumba instructor for alcoholism right now
I danced on the street to dubstep on a boombox for an hour with a lesbian single mother.
Is it frowned upon to puke at Keeneland while you're betting on horses or is it just whatev
Sex on acid. Try it. I thought we were fucking in outer space with fireworks inside a rocketship car. Best.
Whats proper etiquette for apologizing to your wife for being so drunk you stood up and pissed on the bedroom floor next to the bed?
Mimosa dick, like his cousin Whiskey dick, is just as ineffective but a lot more fun to be around
I don't know what's wrong with me. The guy from bar rescue is making me horny
Went on a blind date. Afterwards I ripped my pants off and said "it's game time". He was into it.
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