when I woke up I found a half-eaten cherry toaster strudel sandwich with bacon in the middle.
i cant remember past the part when we filled his tub with skittles.
She's in Spain. I'm in Holland. World Cup Final is Sunday.
Dude, it's like the Romeo and Juliet of FIFA.
You know its a good sign when a girl asks who everyone is AFTER she flashes her tits to the room.
There's a creepy homeless guy with no hand trying to get up on our tacobell order
On my way, five mins. Is the line long? Do you think they will they hold a pumpkin at coat check?
I dressed up as a breathalyzer test for Halloween; never had so many straight dudes blow me before!
Regardless of age or alcohol consumption, the knowledge that my dad spanks my mom sexually has the very real potential to fuck my shit up.
Dinner at my parents is vodka, lemonade, cheese ad crackers. Why would I leave?
It was only in the sobering silence of the wilderness on the mountain, after I was too tired to talk anymore and I also didn't want to tell Julian that we were lost, that I realized how super tripped out I had been the entire time...
I just faked an orgasm while masturbating. Idk what exactly my problem is but I have one
I got hella high today and freaked out about life and interest rates
I feel like I should acknowledge that I see you as a human and not a ragdoll sex object
we need to tell them stories about when happens when we're sober so they think they know what they're in for when they're actually completely unprepared for whn happens when we get drunk
Wanna bang and Pregame work? I know you're the manager just promise to not fire me
Randomize
