Let's perk you up. I have a good PG joke and a picture of my penis while urinating. You pick.
I decided it would be a good time to smoke on one of my deliveries but then I got the munchies and ate a piece of the pizza I was freaking out so I told him it was our new pacman pizza
so i have my big date this weekend, and i was practicing giving head with a bottle in the shower. i stopped and looked at the botton of the bottle. it was PURE MOLD! if i die, dont tell the doctors how this happened....
When I woke up in the parking lot today I decided it is not a good idea to hang out with you anymore.
Jumped in the kebab van and said he was Ultimate MasterChef. Incurred wrath of six angry Turks. I got free chips.
they still hired me even though my background check came back with a warrent for my arrest.
They won't let us do straight shots of 151 since that guy lit his face on fire.
He's basically me if I was an 8-yr-old boy. It's like looking into a pudgy terrifying mirror
We all have to be good at something. Mine are writing, drinking, fucking and peer pressure.
Last night at McDonalds, you lied across the counter, pulled up your shirt and yelled "BODY SHOTS"...
I swear to god, my hangover cure is a green tea and a 15 minute twerkout. works every time
Running late for a date because I couldn't get my clothes out from under the dude I spent the night with in time to leave when I planned. This is my life.
I'm watching the World Cup in bed naked with john and our USA flag aviator glasses. Can you say America?
The number of threesomes I have agreed to seems to increase every time I talk to you drunk...
The cat ate a weed mint. This is not a drill
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