if reincarnation is for serious, i better be a guy in my next life
with a huge shlong
massive. i wanna make bitches cry
i wish there were pregnant emoticons
yup put them legs up on your shoulders and eat her like some folgers
eat her like coffee?
well when i got there she was attempting to stick the cat in her mouth.. so maybe you should go check on her
i really thought "pants-shitting drunk" was an unreachable level until last night
what is the most politically correct way to ask if he still hangs out with the guy that has blue hair and make meth in his car?
malibu coconut giveth, and malibu coconut taketh away
Def walking back to my apt with a blender, an empty vodka bottle, and a half eAtn drumstick cone.
She wants to fuck me. On a tennis court. In her tennis outfit. Is ring-shopping an acceptable 3rd date activity?
That awkward moment when you can't tell what smells like tacos: you, the cat, or the strange guys blanket your so tenderly swaddled in.
Eating a popsicle in the shower was the best idea I've had in ages.
Is that a polar bear? You seriously grinded with a polar bear at the club?
Tequila pump. I'm ecstatic your engineering degree has real world application.
All I need is to get out and get laid
Yeah mom sounds like a good idea! Now send that message to the person it was ment for
Like Napoleon Dynamite?
Exactly like Napoleon Dynamite
But with bacon.
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