i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
i had the deer in headlights look when she walked in and i was digging in her hamper
how did you get vomit on both your shoulders. I mean think about it.
my dad just walked in on my jacking off and all he had to say was "I thought you were bigger than that".... thanks dad.
they won't let me drive with my sombrero
I just brought the toaster out onto the porch to light a cigarette, don't talk to me about being desperate.
there is vomit in the pocket of my dress coat. i remember thinking "this is a weird place to puke" at some point in the evening, but i dont understand how i did this.
my talents include tricking people into giving me money and free drugs
First night of sleeping in the same bed, and she farted on me. I immediately excused myself and went home. Don't know if we're still together. Will update you.
I just need to get a little drunker before I realize I'm not straight
Be quiet or buzz aldrin will come beat you up with science
I'm a fuck boy trapped in a single mom's body.
I was sprawled on his bed and heard him and a girl walk in the apartment. I jumped out the window and am walking down main street wrapped in an american flag blanket. Can you pick me up?
I knew you were on something when you said you were a puppy and you ate all the frosty Paws dog ice cream which says not for human consumption right on the side of it.
A sultry night of tacos and sex sounds nice. Should I bring home milk?
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