I printed and framed a picture of a seagull shitting, and hung it in my house. I'm waiting to see how long it takes everyone to notice.
between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
I left two shots of jager for you guys when you wake up from your death. Do with it as you wish
Starting drinking whiskey at eight. Already had ten girls looking up my kilt to make sure I'm wearing it right.
then she said she was half-a-virgin and that she would appreciate it if i would finish what her old booty call started
Ok seriously I'm living off of bologna but I have 4 handles in the freezer.
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
They switched jackets and you didn't notice. You made out with both of them and had no idea
I've never heard "I will drown your mother in vanilla pudding" as an insult before, and then last night happened.
I was gonna start crying but as he was asking me for my info i saw him eyeing my rack. So I sorta started pushing them together. He asked me to get out of the car he made me turn around so he could check me out and then he said and I quote "okay ma'am. Everything is fine, I'm going to let you off with a warning. Next time if you're not wearing yoga pants you might not be as lucky" I am blessed.
You know you're too high when you find yourself crying at " hand in my pocket" by Alanis Morissette because it's "just TOO REAL"
I swear to the sweet baby jesus I didn't fill your freezer with salsa and my little pony toys, but I didn't stop them either.
Sorry if that was awkward, i will never call you sober ever again
He was calculating the number of ceiling tiles when I was on top it was fucking rain man.
Randomize
