Did u get laid? I went and bought lube and fleshlighted it while moaning ur name the whole time.
Would it be weird if I brought slabs of bacon with me to the beach?
I drank it, and now my boss keeps hitting me in the face with beams of light.
Tripping at your desk probably isn't the best plan you've had.
Fuck U Mike is a golden god.
Mike give steph back her phone.
i purposely bought her a small sweater. My way of saying, you've gotten fat.
Just wanted to let you know that I always win at "whose ex is crazier" because of you.
Security brought me back to our hotel room in a wheelchair last night. Vegas.
And if you ever tell anyone that I will fucking kill you.
Finally better. I had to use eye makeup remover to get the purple wine stains off my lips
I'm two sheets to the sexual wind
Well she started to strip and when she slung her hair at me, she painted my face with sweat. A LOT OF SWEAT. It was a weird boner.
If you really loved me, you'd support my weed habit.
As the person who squeezed you out of my vagina, the answer is no.
I'm glad our friendship can withstand laughing mid-blowjob during the diarrhea scene in Dumb & Dumber.
YOU HAVE BEEN BAD TOUCHED BY THE LEPRECHAUN OF CHOICES
And two different second-graders said my make up was pretty. It's left over from last night bc I woke up 5 min before I was supposed to leave.
I need to get laid. Right now that freshman frat pledge & my Econ professor are the leading candidates
That’s quite a spread
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