I masturbated on the webcams with my bf yesterday then typed without washing my hands first... then my roommate used my laptop it was pretty priceless
My dick just stopped my iPhone from falling into the toilet.
You know you're fucked up when you throw your phone on the roof of the bar to show how good the Otter Box works.
You pulled me aside and handed me a plastic childrens' tea cup full of 151 and said "trust me its a great idea"
I feel like "stop licking my face" isn't something that needs to be repeated twice
He's cheating on her.
Are you sure it wasn't her?
I have my glasses on, and as long as she didn't change her face in the past two months; its her.
I was going to make out with him...then he licked syrup off the kitchen floor.
She was horrified when I asked if they had any strap on chin dildos, I was at a sex shop for gods sake must I be judged everywhere
It's a 'fuck poison control' kind of night.
Gays age differently than straights. 29 is like 45 in gay years. Next year I'll be in adult diapers and applying for medicaid.
The other night he asked if I had a condom and I said I had an IUD. and he goes OMG A BOMB?
Got home and told boyfriend what happened. He was like "you made out with a guy you call Balls Deep?" and hi-fived me.
Dude is PACKING. And yes I am holding up a cross and holy water and hissing like a pissed off goose.
my underwear is inside out , I have a giant hickie. I'm wearing last nights makeup. this is going to be the best day at work ever
I think a major source of concern would be the fact you snorted a shot. Who does that?
Randomize
