it looked like a condom graveyard when i woke up. they were everywhere
And then the cop told me my court date was on 4/20. I said come onn u really gunna do me like that
i'm sober ask me anything about the civil war
When we started taking double shots of vodka and chasing it with a lick of fruit roll-ups, I knew there'd be hell to pay in the morning.
50 year old business women like dick too. Come on she said you looked like Ricky Martin.
Travelers Top-Tip: Europeans do not appreciate being repeatedly referred to as "gypsy" regardless of how good your Borat impression is.
He's more than prepared to help us move. Dude brought sunscreen, cans of Coke, and Captain Morgan.
It took years to rebuild my brains forcefield against your charm and I feel like u seal team 6'd ur way in again and caught my common sense sleeping on post
Just did a slip and slide down a five story staircase in my dorm. Being an engineer is fucking awesome
If you end up at a gay bar on a tuesday night in steelers pjs, does that mean youve hit rock bottom?
Oh fuck, I messaged a Jack Kerouac poem to a girl I'm trying to sleep with last night at 4am.
Just do let me go home with anyone especially I a guy with a hair sweater
I agreed not to hook up with any randoms while she's on vacation, if that isn't a show of good faith then I don't know what is...
She's in labor and I'm doing shots. Whose the real winner here?
Yoooooo, the fat magician married the chick I dumped a beer on after I got pissed he was flirting with her in front of me
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