i was just outside smoking and i saw a hooker sing "i wish i knew who your daddy was" to her new born baby. someone explain to me why i ever left chicago to go to college...
i just got the best bj of my life in the pastors office at church.. Youre right jesus really does love me.
dude your girlfriend loves you alot..she yelled your name lastnight in bed
What the hell did I do to get youtube to recommend a video for me called "how to increase your chances of getting pregnant"?
she has double-d's AND she knows what level Pidgeot evolves. don't tell me she's not a keeper
Threw up 3 times on the lawn mower and then proceeded to crash it into a tree root and break it.
would he be offended if i told him that "national coming out day" is october 11. thats subtle enough right?
I have blocked the memory from my mind. He is just a fuzzy cloud floating with my other bad decisions..
Apparently I used ziplock bags to smuggle my drink out with. By pouring it in one, then cut the corner like it was an icing bag later that night. What is wrong with me?
Here's the level of my committment: I'm not participating in the Olympic opening ceremonies drinking game. THIS IS SERIOUS.
My chiropractor just high fived me for getting drunk enough to throw my back out this weekend.. Life. Complete.
I forgot how weird my hair bleaches and now I'm a calico
You can wake up to my rainbow of failure
Because I'm a hot mess throwing up in the litter box
Dude so help me god I WILL weigh a penis one day
with the way the semester is going, being a stripper is starting to sound better and better everyday
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