In Vegas, have spent the last 48 hours wearing a viking helmet and fanny pack. I consider this to be a career high since drinking is my career
My life would be so much easier if i could just ride around in the cash cab all day
he asked me to put his condom on because he couldn't see without his glasses
Have fun at school today. Try to hide that you're a whore. The other girls will like you better that way.
Yeah getting kicked out of the bar at 1 pm really set the tone for the day.
So howd u manage to get high at a one year olds birthday anyway?
I remember now some guy came over and hit on me and poured peppermint schnapps and chocolate syrup in my mouth. Pretty sure he was dressed like Santa....
he fucked me to the beat of the construction going on outside my house. i will never look at jackhammers the same ever again.
So I found where you barfed in my house. Just wanted to let you know that my cat barfed on the kitchen floor in a show of solidarity
When I picked you up, you were drinking Maker's Mark out of the bottle with a crazy straw.
My coworker's brand new computer showed up today. He's on vacation for the next week. Brian and I are installing Windows 98 on it.
Well there's only 4 people in my class, we've watched a video, the instructors encouraged us to start using cocaine and now we are on break.
It's been productive.
Her four year old daughter walked up to me grabbed my junk and said "this will be in mommy later." Wtf?
it’s not easy to sexualize brunch. work with me, babe.
Hey I know we haven't talked in a while, but I wanted to thank you for those m&ms you bought me for Christmas. Sorry I never got you anything then broke up with you.
Randomize
