I admire a woman who can maintain dignity while puking after too much whiskey
I'm holding in my pee so that I can hear "Cowboy" in its entirety on the radio
I'm covered in pickle juice. Why do you people leave me alone?
This might sound awkward, but can I borrow a dildo for class?
It looks alright. The blow up doll is in the microwave, and she has forks in her ass
There are too many people on this bus for it to be even REMOTELY okay that I'm wearing a puke covered sweater
I know. She seems like she getting that "need some dick" restlessness. Might explain the feisty attitude
I woke up in bed alone w 2 bite marks on my boob... Salt and pepper shakers In my purse along w a bottle of steak sauce.... The drunkasauraus has struck again
I'm going to try to be reasonable tonight and keep my drink count out of double digits
Should I feel guilty that my husband is cheating on his girlfriend with me? I mean, we're not divorced yet so I still have dibs, right?
That's just a really flattering way of saying, "Yes, you're useless, but you have great tits."
I can't! Its just like the night that I bathed you, I didn't tell anyone.
Why am I cleaning the house twerking to anaconda wearing a bears jersey and helmet?
we talked about the guy being eaten by the anaconda.. Then I proceeded to blow him
Pretty sure I love my nipple piercing more than I'll love my children someday
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