Just saw a commercial bout this girl that lost 54 lbs on a taco bell diet. so thats my excuse.
I don't call you at 3 in the morning to start a fucking relationship.
I was just counting ceiling tiles when he ate me out, it was that bad.
Man, I must say, having known you since preschool, Eiffel-Tower-ing her would've fully completed our journey to brotherhood.
This honesty session brought to you by jagermeister inc.
tell me there's a reason my bed smells like paint thinner
Well. Turns up no one actually knows who that kid was. Came in, said happy fathers day, chilled for a while, then left.
Omg just had weirdest best cab advice situation ever. I kissed the cabbies hand as I was leaving like he was the pope and cried
I'm so glad we both made out with him though. I feel like that really brought us together
Saved a second guy who was crying/on the verge of wigging out. Just call me the drug whisperer.
I'm convinced he's the patron saint of oral sex
If it makes you feel any better they literally are drinking alcohol out of a toilet. They are serving drinks out of a nasty ass toilet...!
Last night I recall my hair going up in flames. This is evident by the burnt hair smell that is following me around this morning
stupid neighbors doing stupid yard work with their stupid kids when i want to do drugs in the backyard
I'm at a Tim Horton's and two girls just came in handcuffed to eachother
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