Life lesson: Don't give a drunk girl a dutch oven after having taco bell. She puked all over my pillow. Funny as hell though.
I fell off the front porch last night. Actually.. I dove. I dove off the front porch.
she just uttered the sweetest sentence in the english language...my stripper friends are coming over
This is so pathetic it makes me miss snorting lines alone in my room listening to 'one more drink'.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
This girl would not stay down. It was like night of the living dead. She kept on rising up to haunt anything with a penis
Remember the girl passed out in front of my fireplace?
I have bruises everywhere. I think I took "the drinks are strong" as more of a challenge than a warning.
i'm pretty sure i can feel a baby kicking just looking at him. if he didnt impregnate you, you officially have an iron-clad uterus.
moral of the story: if your going to mix ambien and free skyclub alcohol, take a direct flight or have a layover in a city you wouldn't mind having to return to for a court date.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
if becoming an adult is chugging a bottle of wine in your bed and crying about your stresses while your dog watches you, sign me up
That kid singlehandedly fucked the breakup right out of me. I'm only hooking up with Millenials from here on out.
You're at a grade school volley ball game with a yeti of tequila. You've passed extra
Her handjob consisted of slapping me in the balls. I am never hooking up with her ever again ever.
Drunk purchased a negligee, plan b, keds and Himalayan salt shot glasses.. there’s only one reasonable purchase there, and we both know it’s not the sneakers
It was bad. U were calling my cat "kittiano" and playing her like a piano. Way too drunk my friend.
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