My 3rd grade teacher, who was also my fav, thought i was in prison. That seriously upsets me.
I'm not upset with you; I'm upset with Fox News.
Im making the walk of shame with half a box of pizza, its like when youre little and you get a goodie bag leaving the party
My parents just told me I first got drunk when I was 4. Successsssssss
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Just saw a cop give four blondes gas for their car on their way to Vegas. They seriously ran out of gas and called 911 about it. Its like a porno plot.
It's 2:30 on a Friday afternoon. It's snowing and must be about 20 degrees outside. I'm sitting in this class with 300 people using up every ounce of energy and willpower not to puke all over the girl in front of me. This has got to stop.
Maybe before the beach I should get a tracking chip in my arm.
"you can only have my number if you answer all the questions on this trivial pursuit card correctly"
How early is too early to study with margaritas?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I am literally drinking 7 day old water and looking for snacks in my room so I won't have to go in the hall and see roommate, because we accidentally banged last night. Please bring over some chicken and plan b.
Sorry man, but I'd rather do drugs with strangers than watch sports with you. It's not personal, drugs always beat sports.
I just had sex on my kitchen counter. It's like the American dream
I literally can not watch Thor without thinking of your dick
I love friends. Friendship is wonderful. I wish the rain was my friend
His bedroom is the preferred destination of MILFs, cougars, recent divorcees and sexually frustrated wives
His penis is my hero
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