his mom walked in while I was blowing him. he turned around in panic and accidentally punched me in the face. i have a black eye and only half the clothes i came here in. can you give me a ride?
I just realized I haven't had steady access to a woman's body since I was breastfeeding.
you wore rainboots all night because you said the forecast called for wine spillage
If a Romanian girl's marriage isn't considered legal in the US then she's fair game right?
dude, you were feeling up her boob for 20 minutes in front of the guy she was hitting on because you and her had an argument over who had bigger boobs.
hey man, it was for science okay.
I think I ruined his life by managing to get his initiation nickname for his frat to be "Whiskey Dick" but I still wish herpes on him and his fugly new girlfriend.
Are you considering all the consequences of doing your boss or are you just rationalizing with your vagina?
I'm wearing too many socks to be ok with this.
FUCK... Pulled a chick from the bar went to her house passed out on the shitter. She lives in a house full of girls. They were making poop jokes as i left
I mean.. listen to "Put It In My Mouth" and you'll get the gist of my voicemail for you.
Also, my phone suggested the phrase “puke in the mailbox" how many times have I had the need to text that to people?
She made me walk a straight line to prove i was sober enough to help carry you to the car
Knowing you it was perfect out of spite. Like. A line straighter than YOU
A hefty woman and I mean hefty shoved her number in my pocket at the gym without as much as a hello, winked and kept walking. Going to use your bed to defile her, don't want her to know where I live or have my neighbors see! Thanks, you're a pal!
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
Like Napoleon Dynamite?
Exactly like Napoleon Dynamite
But with bacon.
Randomize
