There is a stranger person in my roommates bed...
I had a dream last night that I was the one that killed Biggie
i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
fuck you guys, stop putting fake babies in my car the cops came again.
She still cant shoot whiskey?
Im having serious doubts about this relationship
Remind me tomorrow that I was taking shots of burnetts in the subway line while placing my order
He just kept yelling cup my balls to everyone they kicked us out after 20 min
I don't know who's more excited for you to come home. Me or my vagina
He pulled out a coupon for $2.50 off the crab cakes and expected us to share that as a meal. Is that the kind of person you really see me dating?
The hardest part about being a child of divorce is when you're at your dad's house but your condoms are at your mom's house.
AMERICA LOVES YOU. RIDE THAT DICK LIKE PAUL REVERE RODE HIS HORSE SO MANY YEARS AGO
Grandma's bordering on serious shit show territory at this point.
Sexting and pancakes... It's going to be hard to top that
I told my mom that I was just gonna go check the mail. It's been 19 hours, and I woke up in a hot tub covered in chocolate, with a text from her sayin "have fun sweetie"
Only you would make Mario Party a contact sport.
And you owe me a new pair of switch controllers.
Randomize
