the paramedic just looked at me like "you again?"
I think my vagina is going to steal my keys and drive over there.
Hopefully she would park on my face.
I'm at your house, laying with your dog, eating taco meat, take your time.
It was like the perfect storm of bad decisions.
I wouldn't blow him for all the queso in the world.
I'd rather blow that homeless guy who asked me to breast feed him.
Then I hope you find a set of extremely intelligent, flexible triplets in the ethnicity of your choice.
That is the nicest thing anyone has ever wished for me
The worst thing about it is now I have to find someone else to fuck in the library.
Its kind of weird knowing that im only seeing you that day to fuck in some woods
But theres a keg here and me gusta
I'm naked, I'm drunk, and I'm all up on social media right now
I know, my friend Erin took me into the bathroom at work and poured pickle juice on me.
I currently need breakfast in bed, morning sex, and a bourbon and diet coke. Make this happen
So he cheated on his gf again. For the third time. Second time with me. HE CRIED WHILE DRIVING ME HOME BECAUSE HE CHEATED ON HER. And I laughed the entire way. Good god I'm an asshole.
I promised her before I left that I'd make good choices and then got drunk and fucked my best friend and her boyfriend.
Literally just stood behind a guy in line at Walmart get his card declined when he attempted to purchase condoms. That's rock bottom.
Randomize
