textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
Yeah next time you are over I'll let you beat it on her pillows and you will feel better.
i hope you realize that ur overconfidence only gave me one orgasm out of all the times we had sex. that's like a 1% success rate. u might wanna rethink how amazing you are.
is it wrong that i plan on stealing a few pipecleaners from my preschool classroom to clean my bowl?
He called me a "functional alcoholic" like its a bad thing.
I spent an hour trying to convert bar outfits to church outfits. Its hard.
She just admitted to me that she was a pinecone.
In other news my pubic hair is covered in glitter.
My dad's girlfriend is driving through the snow to bring me my purple haze. If he doesn't wife her up, we have a bigger issue on our hands.
I'm not into beards but apparently my vagina is.
What's the policy on calling guys who have kids daddy...
Please just help me figure out where the bruise on my face came from.
I was cock-blocked by a swat team last night.
the good news is I finally used my captain america waffle maker to make captain america waffles
I party with great urgency now.
Randomize
