Its like im going on a blind date, but ive already had sex with her
I jsut got pulled over and passed the sobritaty test.
Good thing spelling doesn't count.
I JUST WOKE UP ON A TRAIN
I SHUDNT B ON A TRAIN
Just think about it this way, every time you work Sunday, it's another $75 and that equals another hooker when we go to Amsterdam.
sometimes you just have to pull up your panties, blow a kiss to the security camera and walk out of the alley like nothing happened.
I mean you were pretty drunk at one point you asked if we could have a glass of water ready for you in case you choked while bobbing for apples, but you said grape juice was preferable. You can't choke on an apple btw
He kept stopping sex to whisper in my ear, and the only thing I could understand was "double stuffed oreos"
Don't talk to me about scholarly dedication until you've taken a final in boxers, a bloody tank top and a zip tie to hold your hair back. I wear the most sullied 4.0 crown of all time....
I was wondering how I got the burn marks on my boobs and then I remembered....
The baked potato bra?
Btw kudos to your tongue last night. Sorry about that lady jizz in your beard.
Dude I should have just gone home with the guy with dreads and the cat
I smell like bonfire and ex-boyfriends
he really is such a sweet guy. it’s a shame i have to break his heart.
My husband gave me a key to his house. I thinks this means we're getting kinda serious.
The smoothie place is closed, but the liquor store is open and wine is kinda like a smoothie.
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