She smells like mac and cheese, right after you add the cheese. It's strangely erotic.
i never told you how having a club foot got me laid
Andrew is trying to convince me that i took your virginity. Please tell me he is lying.
define virginity.
Last night when I was hammered I set a reminder to tell you that your boobs are my favorite ones in the world, so this is me giving you that message.
This guy in church just had a prayer request to help him get through his hangover. He is my new hero.
its sad that I know 23 beers will fit into my purse
When you hit the 45 minute mark of any argument about The Flintstones, you have to realize: it's no longer you arguing, it's the cocaine arguing.
I think it was the free bomb shots from the creepy bolivians that sent us over the edge
I kind of want to throw a lot of things at him. Mostly blunt, heavy objects.
This is a mass text. I will facerape you if you bring me Fierce Melon Gatorade and 4 D batteries.
I rammed pretzels and Jell-O shots down the throats of those I loved.
He took a picture of me to show his boss why he was late...Is that a compliment or not?
I peed outside 4 times after the bar, safe to say I had great night
He turned on read receipts specifically so i'd know he was ignoring me.
This is bullshit, I shit my pants for the 1st time in 30 years, stuck on the 405, fuck this shit.
Depends
Randomize
