For the amount I put out, I should be going on way more dates.
The only birthday messages I got from men were from my 8th grade boyfriend and the bouncer at our bar. I think I'm doing something wrong in life.
You tried to convince me you were sober by doing jumping jacks. For an hour.
I have to stop drunkenly making out with guys just because they're tall or have a beard.
I am lonely and I want to touch your beard
So I've discovered that being hungover at 25 feels the same as being hungover at 24. Happy Birthday to me.
That's a good 5 hours of "I have no fucking idea what I did".
He called me baby cakes during sex... Can U not
It's 4:30 AM and I just walked through a line of 10 deer without them freaking out. I am the campus deer king.
Sent him a nude and I forgot to crop out the Jesus picture in the background. The Catholic guilt is too real.
After round two, I told him he deserves an award. He bowed and did a princess wave WHILE his dick was still inside me.
I can't believe I haven't fucked an Elvis impersonator yet.
Our Uber driver pulled over to show us Tinder some dick pics. Top that.
I have to stay away from bourbon. Despite what it keeps telling me, it is NOT my friend.
My ultimate hope is that people will hug me, smell me, and therefore think I'm classy.
Randomize
