So drunk i had to piss sitting down...
I think I won the penis lottery.
You'd think with all the porn he watches he'd be a little better at this...
Walk-of-shaming home from Brooklyn in a Jesus costume that has "what wouldn't Jesus do" written on the robe.
at one point i was feeding a guy sour cream chips and he made me make the "choo choo" noise as they were going in. \ni feel so much closer to him now.\n
Perhaps if I didn't mortify my parents last night with my drunken obnoxious behavior which resulted in the casualty of an entire decorative bathroom shelf which I completely ripped off the wall and left for dead, I would be more than willing to go day drinking.
I need drugs. Hard drugs. Today. Not tomorrow. Today. Something relaxing.
all i tweeted was "emergency this is not a drill" and he immediately texted me asking if this was a subtle booty call…it was
Did he think I was flirting with him when I ordered a hot dog bc no
I just swallowed confetti and motor-boated some guys beard...#happy2015
My bail money is reserved for people I either A, think were in the right, or B, have an awesome story that leads up to needing it. Just remember that before you call me.
My hookup from last weekend apparently got arrested today... his roommate just tagged me on facebook asking for bail money.
Hope you’re getting action boo.
Definitely no. I woke up next to a bag of McDonald's.
Omg I got up from his bed and almost did a header into the wall because I came so many times I forgot how to walk.
Want ramen today?
I need a salad
SALAD DOESNT WARM YOUR HEART AND BELLY
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