my dad just told me that a lesbian kissed my mom at a bar last year
I'm telling lies about you to make you look like a good person
the party we crashed was not a party. the party we crashed was jens grandads funeral.
i saw her thong sticking out from across the bar...that was my cue
we decided it was best to cut you off after we caught you trying to "baptize" my cat in the jungle juice
Sometimes I wonder how different my life would be if I didn't share a weekly margarita with my mom since i was 12
she puked ON me while she was on top, worst holiday hookup ever
Legitimate concern. Who am I going to have birthday sex with?
Passed out drunk in a tanning bed...
Did At The Beach call the fire department to get you like last time?
Just got hit on by a 50 year old Englishman who is now swapping drunken racing stories with my mom. Live Mariachi band in the background. How's that for a wake?
People were running around punching out the ceiling tiles Super Mario style.
she dared me to make out with the amish dude so I went up to him and grabbed him by the beard
GRABBED HIM BY THE BEARD
we're spending all day in bed drinking spiked eggnog and fucking
The stripper was super into me until she pulled out my tits then I realized.... This bitch is just using my ass to get MORE TIPS
He heard our neighbor’s vibrator through the wall, knocked on her door and now they’re doing it
The blonde?!? That’s just unfair! His penis already has a fairy tale existence
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