So he ended up having sex with me, but it was so awkward. When it was over, he went to the bathroom, and he came back and asked, "are you on your period or something? there's blood on my dick..." and i said, "well it was supposed to start today, nice surprise...i am so embarrassed." and he said ,"it's better than you queefing." and as soon as he said that, i queef the hardest and loudest i ever had.
i just got offered coke by a strung out pilot. my night just got a lot more interesting.
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
your philanthropy is ruining my sex life.
I just want you to know if you wake up tomorrow morning and wreak of mustard, I was not involved.
It was a two-sided wall so part of my body ended up in someone elses condo.
I went around and congratulated every guy that had a beard for having one
Goddamn tequila
I just had a full choir singing the phrase pudding cup in my head. Too. Stoned.
I can already see the regret in her eyes. Amazing night. This city rules.
You slammed your forties down on the table and yelled "I AM EDWARD FORTYHANDS" then mumbled something about repping Idaho like a champ and laid down on the couch.
My mom asked me if I ever go on dates. I had to suppress the urge to ask if having casual sex with a freshmen counts as dating
We're not piercing ourselves today.
That awkward moment when your drug dealer pulls your boss out of the snow
fuck school, let's just become the worst strippers ever
Judging from the sharpie on my face, glitter on my chest and women's tiger print panties i'm wearing last night was a thing.
Randomize
