Shark Week may as well be Shark Weed.
Just got a birthday card from Camel. How am I supposed to stop smoking when they care?
MISSING: One left eyebrow. Reward if returned.
just had to make the 420 edibles gluten free and kosher for passover.
your mom just called me and asked me why i'm not in jail with you right now.
Okay wait let me power puke and then we can go dancing
She just kept introducing me to people by telling them which of their friends I've fucked
I woke up to you singing What Makes You Beautiful and trying to blend an avocado with vodka.
I ate the last cupcake. I'm sorry. It was in the refrigerator mocking me. So I ate it. And it was glorious. But I'm sorry.
Calm the fuck down fatty, you can add creme de menthe to a vanilla shake any time of the year
He kept telling me Te Amo last night. Over and over. And that he was scared. Drunkenly. In Spanish.
Sabotage it. Cum quick. Make it awkward so you don't hurt her feelings. Who says nice guys finish last?
I gave my girlfriend a ring to celebrate our anniversary, she thought It was an engagement ring. Now im getting married and I don't know what to do.
I texted him back and I am so nervous I may vomit up all of the soup I just ate.
These snow days are takeing a toll on my liver
Randomize
