When I masturbate I pretend my dick is the slap chop an I'm destroying vegtables. Do you think that's a eating disorder?
once the tequila comes in everyone elses feelings go out the window.
Dude, I just scraped frozen vomit from my rooftop
I really wish I could say this is a new low for you
Thanks for stealing lime trees for me at 4:00 am. We're well on our way to having sustainable supplies for mojitos this summer.
i gave you head in a backbend. if that doesnt say happy birthday i dont know what does.
he doesn't drink and he's an emt - he'll be our dd for nye in exchange for a threesome tomorrow afternoon.
just run out there and shit all over the driveway when he comes.. and then point at him
I can't even look at my running shoes. I swear I drank more in the last 2 days than the last 6 months combined
No, no. The rest of his everything inspires me to put his dick in my mouth
You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
blowjobs from left handed girls are noticably better than from righties. these are the most important things I've learned this semester
Well, I washed his beard with dish soap and then I fucked him three times.
Only I could get hit on by homophobic straight guys in a drag bar.
I like how I just yelled in the window at Mcdonalds drive thru, got his number and then fucked. it was like I ordered a happy meal that only can be had after midnight.
He left a fire sauce packet from taco bell that said "promise you'll text me in the morning" on my nightstand.
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