go do what you do best...puke behind churches
so we were having anal, both very very drunk when he started shouting his roomates name
something came early last nite... and lemme tell u it wasn't christmas...
I walked downstairs and there were 50 sorority girls. I wasn't expecting an audience during my walk of shame.
Not cool at all. Last night I organized my condoms by expiration date. I need to get laid.
so high i just made my own version of grilled cheese using toast and spray cheese
here comes the puke
I don't know how, but he made a bong out of a hamster wheel. To say I am impressed is an understatement.
Um....sorry for hooking up with your brother last night...
Actually i take that back. You dropped the whiskey last night and broke the bottle. Were even
Actually, considering the facts that I am wearing a duct tape dress and eating a gas station quesadilla, I am pretty good.
Where the hell did all of these gingers come from? It's like they crawled out of their shame-caves for st Patrick's day.
Literally just had a girl put her street name into my phone. Yeah.
I was trying to remember why my knees hurt then I remembered I was twerking on the countertops.
If you had asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be right now at 26 years old, I can bet you one million dollars that "tweezing out my nose hairs before I go in to get laser hair removal on my upper lip" would NOT have been the answer
How much glitter would I have to ingest in order for a "magnificent" amount to appear in my ejaculate?
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
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