i'm signing you up for texting rehab
Sometimes he's such a bitch I forget that he's not actually a girl. Last night I asked him if I could borrow a tampon.
He had some in his pocket. That was weird.
one should ask oneself what kind of lifestyle one is leading when one finds a handprint of semen on their pillow the next day.
IM NOT LETTING YOU PEE ON ME IF THATS WHAT YOURE GETTING AT.
When you come back do you think I could print anorexic pictures of Mary-Kate?
On my way home from Vegas. Just realized my pants are inside out
You know that hot fire fighter I fucked yesterday? Well him and two other guys are killing the fire on my stove. Awkward.
we are cloud gazing and there is one that looks like a giant baby riding a dolphin and smoking a joint
i wish there was a reasonable explanation for why this reminds me of you
Just got a event reminder on my phone to never party with you again.
Overslept. So hungover. Apparently texting the first person in my contact list the time I would like to wake up is not how the alarm clock in my phone actually works.
I have learned that if you don't want to hook up with the guy who walked you home, food is great compensation.
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
Hungover. Have to fix everything I've broken. I'm gonna be very late.
I went to a party last night....I stole all of their ornaments and the toaster oven.
Can I bother you for a second.
You always bother me but go on.
Randomize
