The girl I brought home was really impressed with the pile of blow you were doing while watching "Intervention."
I'm like a rollypolly, I only open my legs up when I feel safe.
I was hidding Easter eggs in CHURCH this morning when one of the older men came up to me and said "I always knew you'd be a bunny just not the Easter kind" ... Our congregation obviously has high hopes for their pastor's daighter
so apparently mom and dad slept together on the first date
i guess it runs in the family.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Still not exactly sure how i unbolted your toilet from the ground.
Someone just told me I could double date with them and their dog as my date. This is why the suicide rates are so high at the holidays.
I've wasted nicer days than this hungover and dry heaving in bed.
All I remember is folk music and a lot of drugs. I am never going "on an adventure" with you again
I'm going to assume that "the army of generous folk dancers" is no longer a goal you are willing to fulfill
Speeding home on my break at work because I forgot to grab my Percocets that I have because getting through work sober's too hard
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
No, I'm just drunk and was excited cause a hot stranger bought me tacos.
You can't honestly expect me to maintain an erection when you have the Glen Beck show on
I woke up this morning next to my computer with Google search results for "how to put out a fire."
I'm very scared to turn around.
My mom just looked at me and said; "You've been pretty bitchy lately do you need some dick?" WTF has happened to me?
I wanna stuff your vagina full of Reese's peanut butter hearts and eat you clean
If it makes you feel any better I almost got kicked out of the bar for yelling "enjoy your celebratory incest"
I love you.
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