But if ***** wants to get filthy... Tell her to throw a text my way ;)
Life lesson: Don't ever put your penis in a crazy girl. Especially if she's married. And has a kid.
He'd bedazzaled his ass. Im not even that gay...
Woke up naked on my floor covered in cookies. We should celebrate fake hurricanes every weekend.
I love our strategizing... I wish we used the same passion for planning our lives and future that we use for planning our drunken escapades... We would both be doctors by now, I swear
When he goes down on me, he stares me in the eyes like a shark mocking it's prey as it devours it. Plus, his beard smells like dirty gym socks. This has got to end.
Good news! I don't have Hep C! Better news! I still hate you!
Well it was tamer than the 4th of july when I blew that guy I met walking home from the fireworks
I have woke up on a strange couch, in a strange house, on another campus. Can you Friend-Find me and pick me up?
He carried around a bottle of jäger the whole night and when everyone thought the cops came, he started doing push ups in the middle of the floor cause he said it calmed him down.
My roommates call me "Queen of the Skanks" I guess that means I've had a successful first month of college.
My doctor wrote down abstinence as my form of birth control. #ihavenodatinglife
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
But truly, sorry about your empty vagina
Thanks boo.
I got caught throwing up in my daughters princess potty... On the bright side it played a rewarding tune afterwards.
Randomize
