gonna sleep on the stairs... to drunk to keep going up, way to drunk to go down, gonna find a comfy spot right here... its safer that way
Where are you and who are these girls passed out on the floor?
and why are they spooning a flamingo?
they traded weed for a spot on our floor. be nice.
You should seriously consider super glueing your knees together
The power of my vagina can withstand any attempt of celibacy
Ripped lines in the bathroom before my presentation.. Got bonus marks for my enthusiasm.. This is why I love drugs
There's a 35% chance I'm still residually drunk from last night.
And you say you're not good with numbers...
I dont think I should be allowed to pick my own boyfriends anymore
I caught myself flirting with clients today. Someone needs to take me to pound town before I self destruct. This is a code red. I repeat code red.
I declared today 'Have a Bloody Mary Naked Day'. Why? Because I'm hungover, thirsty & don't want to bother putting on clothes.
"Yeah because the first thing I think of when I hear the word college is tear gas."
I had sex while you were puking this morning and I'm sorry. Kind of.
It's ok. I had sex while you were drunk crying last night. We're even.
ED guy's penis finally worked last night. It was a Festivus miracle!
My friend Julia's mom just called her to say she got a puzzle in the mail made of cheese and when she put it together it spelled FUCK YOU and she doesn't know who it's from.
she peed her pants, took them off, the put them back on. but she only put her legs in one hole.
I may have dislocated my hip getting fucked on the bathroom counter
ok, muffins say "love me", waffles say "fuck me", got it.
Randomize
