Dude I'm so glad we're not friends anymore. It would have made fucking your stepmom last night really awkward. Dickwad.
I dk what to do with this kid he is like legitimately interested in my life.
And then the cop told me my court date was on 4/20. I said come onn u really gunna do me like that
We did naked snow angels in 14 degree weather, you can't tell me you had more liquor at that party
Due to the events of st patties day last year I created a moral and ethical policy so that I won't get kicked out of the bar again. It mostly consists of not wearing pants so then I don't take them off at the bar.. and subsequently get kicked out.
I woke up to find his roommate face down on the couch with no pants on, with a sticky note that said "was lost but now am found"
Definitely just found that pen in the microwave. What the fuck.
Just found a pack of birth control on the corner of Oakland and Thomas, so if your desperate its up for grabs.
So, the officer that worked my wreck, I'm rockin his world tonight. He saw me high on morphine in the ER. So he knows my level of crazy. Think he'll agree to wear his gun?
So many things can go wrong tonight.
Mmhmmm. I have a list of drunk achievement that is almost as long as my list of stoned achievements
either I'm really high or that last bong rip tasted like christmas
I feel like a drive thru vagina
Correction: *I* watched JoJo's Bizarre adventure while he snored asleep on me cock still fully inside me.
I couldn't find my hair brush so I just brushed my hair with a cat brush. I should not be dating.
I can't tell if my heart is fluttering because I love him... or if it's palpitating from all the coke.
Randomize
