i just ate that cheese stick that was in my purse from last night.
I'm constantly one strobe light away from an E flashback
It's like being the highest you've ever been, then doing about 20 shots, and chasing them with lines of coke. All while laying on the surface of the sun.
I wonder what it's like for my roommate to live bicuriously thro my sex life
Def just hooked up with my brother's senior prom date in his bed. Does that make me the worst brother ever?
Not sure how a movie about Jesus has managed to make me feel insecure about my boobs but it has.
So hungover. I'm getting too old for trolloping around in disco shorts going shot for shot with well behaved underclassmen in an effort to lure them to the dark side of alcoholism and liver failure.
Names, who you're caught in bed with, both minor details
I had her buy me a cock ring, so we might test that out. We are presently playing yahtzee.
Cock rings and yahtzee. Like peanut butter and jelly.
Is it okay to send him a "thanks for the sexual awakening" note?
Honestly I was sitting in managerial accounting thinking "I really need to get my shit together and stop drinking so much wine." But when you asked I realized... it's wine. It's always a yes.
I think I ejaculated my soul out.
So my balls are accidently making an appearance on snapchat
Apparently I thanked the paramedics over and over again for saving the "happy new year" beads that I was wearing
you tried to strip tease your way into canada but got arrested instead. don't worry, your mom doesn't know.
Randomize
