this girl and her friend just showed up at my house. standing together, theylook exactly like the number 10. this has cockblock written alllllll over it.
he said he doesnt sext because the government can tap that kind of shit too. no boobie pics for him.
So the coke mirror was perfectly angeled at my face right when i woke up this morning. I now know how I'd look on intervention.
I sang again at the bar lastnight I don't think alanis morrset knew when she wrote you outta know that the drunk version was going to be go fuck yourself Josh and Chelsea. I love $2 wells.
you called me at 4 in the morning and invited me over for pasta and a late night viewing of titanic.
Yeah he got kind of mad when he found out he had chased his last two shots with a combination of orange soda, water, and used mouth wash.
Highlight of the week: I had sex with a B movie star wearing an eye patch.
Yeah I figured you were blackout when you were Shakira dancing on the floor.
I showed him my toy collection and he goes, "You won't need those anymore," and dropped his pants. I threw the House of Pleasure out last night.
We were in his kitchen and she turned to me with a straight face and an avocado in her hand and said "Can we steal this?"
Not too bad but came home early cuz business was shut down due to an employee sexually harrassing the inspector
I was so gone I thought the cops banging on my door were kids from the party trying to get into my room... needless to say, I started moaning louder so they would take the hint.
I stole us four large rolls of toilet paper from the hotel carts. I feel like the breadwinner in this relationship
He stopped me mid blowjob and asked me to take off my hat. He said it made him feel like Neil Young was going down on him.
That awkward moment when you realize that last night you walked from in n out to petco, bought a mouse for $3, named it mogar, taught it how to skateboard on a techdeck, made it a home out of a trash can, fed it fruity pebbles and cheese, and then forgot where you left it.
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