you know you are hungover when... you set your alarm for the next time you think you are going to throw up
We were making out and then he stopped and said to me, "Your ship is right there, why don't you take your people and just go?"
I seriously just washed my dick in a public restroom. That's how dirty last night got
I just want to jump into a ballpool of dicks now.
Well it's official... The first guy I ever gave head to now holds 2 world records. Should I text him asking if I can try and break my record?
I think that's why god made me a woman. Bc it's harder to slap people in the face with a vagina.
Dude. That Grinch had his priorities right when he was worried that there might be a cash bar at that town celebration.
I hate ovaries. They're horrible little sacs of satanic enmity.
That's the most poetic description of female anatomy I've ever heard.
Can I chase this vodka with an onion?
I snapchatted him nudes and he didn't screenshot a single one of them because he's a gentleman.
I don't have the resources to adequately explain this. I need like a Powerpoint presentation and also Vodka.
idk i was trying to watch Fuller House and you got up out of a dead sleep, just in your boxers, said "no more Dave Coulier" and walked out to the living room and unplugged the router
beggars cant be choosers....im desperate and he has a dick. he checks all the boxes.
The cat hopped on my bed and watched me masturbate naked with a vibrator. I've never felt more sorry in my entire life
Reverse road head. Sa-witch!!!
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