Dude, you just left me a 3 minute voicemail of pop rocks in your mouth. Im sitting right next you
Maybe i shouldn't have told him the key to getting in my pants was double vodka sodas and Nelly's song "grillz."
i convinced her that her period would come back if we did it doggy style
I farted on Jack's balls last night. He got pissed and walked away cause he knew it was on purpose. I couldn't hold it in anymore.
I never thought that taking apart multiple age 5 and under puzzles would be part of my house party clean up process.
Yeah, sorry about that. I just couldn't stop.
I'm gonna need you to NOT let me play duck duck goose with three racoons in the middle of the street next time.
she named my penis "gigantor the baby arm"
i just remember explaining why my socks were better than everyone elses.
I walked out of the bedroom naked holding a used condom only to be greeted by half of my family. Happy birthday mom
No, no, we have to calibrate. What is the maximum amount of trouble we can get into without going to jail?
Apparently getting drunk at a philanthropy event and tweeting about it is "frowned up"
YOU'RE NOT THE ONE BEING EVISCERATED BY YOUR OWN UTERUS SO GET SOME DAMN SLEEP YOU FOOL!
He sent me a dick pic from a port-o-potty in Boston. If that's not love Idk what is.
Last time he showed up for Christmas he went on and on about backpacking somewhere and getting ghonnorreah twice.
this is the 3rd time this week I've gone to the liquor store to stock up for the next 2 weeks
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